“Aristocrats have heirs; the poor have children; the rest keep dogs.”

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they’re ever so small That’s why rain is thin.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

Money can’t buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

I’m a hero with coward’s legs.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

And God said, ‘Let there be light’ and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe’s singing until somebody told me that it wasn’t a joke.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A.

Listen, someone’s screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

Its all in the mind, you know.

Hidden in the ashes, of a fallen building lays a child’s family photo, with whom he could never unite in life.

As a child, I loved playing hide & seek, but now it seems like I’ve been lost for a long, & no one is looking for me.

I was a glittering sea waving at me, like a child smiling in his father’s lap, the waves lapse every time the sea sees the child in me!

When I approach a child he inspires in me two sentiments tenderness for what he is and respect for what he may become.

Children raised by mothers who do not keep their children sheltered from the wrath of their fathers, end up mistrusting women.

Softhearted child, there has always been a warrior inside of you. And the only way it could have been awoken was through difficult trials and momentary pain.

Your inner child is your purest gut.

To protect our children, we must talk to them about rape.