“One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.”

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

While the richest and most powerful among us are the ones who are trying to drive the society to destruction.

The one who adapts his policy to the times prospers, and likewise that the one whose policy clashes with the demands of the times does not.

See, ‘A Time to Kill’ was the one I got famous off of. Big ka-boom, over one weekend. After that, I did films that I really wanted to do.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

A creep is someone who claims he’s one thing but he’s actually another.

I’m one of the most adaptable guys I know in as much as travelling is my favourite thing to do in life. With every place I go.

The Bible is one of the most genocidal books in history.

No man deserves to be praised for his goodness, who has it not in his power to be wicked. Goodness without that power is generally nothing more than sloth, or an impotence of will.