I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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