“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I’m looking forward to getting back on the field, it’s what I love to do.

It feels good to give back to the people who support you.

There is no way I would have written these poems had I not come back.

What is important is family, friends, giving back to your community and finding meaning in life.

It’s enough to indulge and to be selfish but true happiness is really when you start giving back.

I think that there are points where you become so close to an actor,

Happiness doesn’t come from commercial success but from the quality of work that you give back to your immediate community.

If you are prepared to make a fool of yourself for them then you usually get that back.