“My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.”

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

The only person thats gonna hold you back is yourself

You know, it felt like him reverting back to what was in his bones and that’s, you know, optimism and a deep belief in, you know, American institutions and the American people.

Men commit murder and all sorts of mayhem, in a few years they’re back on the streets.

I’m sorry to inform you that your 50 year warranty has expired on your back, knees, and memory.

You remember that stuff and laugh about it now. You don’t feel it the way you did back then when you were so scared and nervous and tired and hungry.

I couldn’t wait to go on tour back then. I would be sitting at my day job or my apartment, just itching to go. There were so many adventures that were about to happen.

They say either get right or get left, how about I just go forward and never look back.

I nibbled my lower lip. “if you could see into my past just by touching my back, you’d have a hard time resisting the temptation too.” “i have a hard time keeping my hands off you without that added bonus.