When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD