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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

Rodney Dangerfield

Related Topics

Asleep Blind Day Face Kid Library Man One Pimple Plenty Raed Wake

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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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All Life Pick Pocket Sex
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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Being Do Draw Men Most Thing Told Wage
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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Fat Found Look One Only Out People Way
Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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Bartender Beat God Make Me Ugly Yeah Zombie
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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Fed Me Mother Shot Sing So Ugly Use
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Father Finger Kidnap More Piece Proof Remember Sent Time Want
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Everything Marriage Room Sepaetae Sleep Together Vacation
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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Born I Morning Mother Sickness
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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Come Drink Go Juice Prune Take Viagra
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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Cat Cover Kept Me Play Sandbox Up
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD

Asleep Blind Day Face Kid Library Man One Pimple Plenty Raed Wake
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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Frink Last Much Olive Sample Time Too
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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Broke Game Hockey Night Other Out Went
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Come Door Life Met Negligee Night Other Sexy Unfortunately
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Bath Hate Parent Radio Toast Toy
My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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