“I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.”

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Being drunk is a good disguise. I drink so I can talk to assholes. This includes me.

I think I think too much. That’s why I drink!

Some drink it at one place and call it ‘jal’, others at another place and call it ‘pani’, and still others at a third place and call it ‘water’.

It noiselessly drinks the nectar. So long as a man quarrels and disputes about doctrines and dogmas

Fill all the Glasses there; for why Should every Creature Drink but I? Why, Man of Morals, tell me why?

I don’t understand these new coaches who don’t drink. What do they do when they get beat?

That includes people who call themselves Muslims but who don’t lead their lives as such – people who drink, who don’t pray, who don’t fast, who have constantly changing partners and who are unable to recite the Koran.

No laws, however stringent, can make the idle industrious, the thriftless provident, or the drunken sober.