“My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.”

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I’m fed up with the idiots… the ever-widening gap between people who know how to make movies and the people who green-light the movies.

There never was a happier or more devoted husband than the male bluebird. He is the gay champion and escort of the female at all times, and while she is sitting, he feeds her regularly.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

People fed on sugared praises cannot be expected to feel an appetite for the black broth of honest criticism.

Energy has to be fed from a source. If you don’t feed the source, it dissipates entirely.

Soul brother number 1+1 Gettin’ fed like where drugs and guns come from

As soon as people enter a theater they must become moron consumers who must be fed information.

She wanted love. So I fed her, inch by inch.