A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD