Life is just a bowl of pits.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD