I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD