“If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.”

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

They who do not understand that a man may be brought to hope that which of all things is the most grievous to him, have not observed with sufficient closeness the perversity of the human mind.

Why, I say, do so few understand and apprehend the internal power?… He who in himself sees all things, is all things.

All through my twenties, I spent more time worrying what I didn’t have than thinking about what I did have. I wished that I was taller, had longer legs, slimmer hips, a smaller bottom, even straighter hair.

The United States’ credibility is at an all-time low. So, this war is against the interest of the Untied States.

I’m Mr Boring, not a party-goer at all.

If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.

Post-modernism has cut off the present from all futures. The daily media add to this by cutting off the past. Which means that critical opinion is often orphaned in the present.

He is in youth swift, pliant and merry, and leapeth and rusheth on all thing that is before him; and is lead by a staw and playeth there with.