“We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.”

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

To dislike the clothes and voices of other men – all this was precious to her beyond everything.

It’s a great freedom to give up on love, and get on with everything else.

What is to happen next will take place within the four walls of the story. And this is possible because the story’s voice makes everything its own.

You’ve got to realize that when all goes well, and everything is beautiful, you have no comedy. It’s when somebody steps on the bride’s train, or belches during the ceremony that you’ve got comedy!

To the degree that you avert your gaze from this truth, you build the potential for pain into your life. Everything is this act of embracing the present moment, the felt presence of experience, and then moving on to the next felt moment of experience. It’s literally psychological nomadism is what it is.

There’s bad in everything. I dislike people misusing something that I love so much.

The principle of order in me, around me, and in the world… I would watch the buds swell in spring, the mica glint in the granite, my own hands, and I would say to myself: “I will understand this, too, I will understand everything.

Psychedelics are illegal because they dissolve opinion structures and culturally laid down models of behaviour and information processing. They open you up to the possibility that everything you know is wrong.