I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWith my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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