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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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