I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDA girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD