“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

Nothing in the world is permanent, and we’re foolish when we ask anything to last, but surely we’re still more foolish not to take delight in it while we have it.

Don’t begin with proportion. Only prigs do that. Let proportion come in as a last resource, when the better things have failed.

I’m going back to the old Shaq. I was normal last year – I was an earthling last summer. I had to go back to my alien roots.

Last but not least my family. My brother Tony, I love you. Thank you for beating me up when I was a kid. I always wanted to follow in your footsteps.

The love that lasts longest is the love that is never returned.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

I thought a lot about how someone very old is the last living individual to have known some person or cluster of people.

[Donald Trump twitts] “Lightweight Marco Rubio was working hard last night.” This is true. “The problem is he’s chalker and once a chalker, always a choker,” I guess that’s what he meant to say. He spelled choker, c-h-o-k-e-r.