“I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.”

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

The first thing that a person finds in life and the last to which he holds out his hand.

I feel it is my duty to plod on, while daylight shall last.

And it has to come from somewhere inside you and not by being like what somebody did last year.

As a main ingredient to the show, it has to have truth, represent truth, or else it won’t last.

You have to transmit to them what its like being in the theater.

After a prosperous, but to me very wearisome, voyage, we came at last into port.

Here, in the dread tribunal of last resort, valor contended against valor.

Your days are short here; this is the last of your springs.