“With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!”

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

Every reader gets something different from a book and every reader, in a sense, completes it in a different way.

Thank heaven for little girls! For little girls get bigger every day.

As far as Apple goes, it was a different company every few years from the time I joined in 1984.

One of the secrets of getting more done is to make a TO DO List every day.

At every point of decision, the world splits into three worlds, each with the same people, but different fates for those people. In time, there are an infinity of worlds.

Every essay – the subject matter of every essay – is ultimately about the essayist; him or herself. That ultimately, every essayist is writing about his or her view of the world.

So every day till the end of this campaign, Ill answer any question anyone has on government, but if you have a question on religion, please, go to church.

A missional theology…appl ies to the whole of life of every believer.