My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD






