My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD