I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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