When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD