I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDYeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD