When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD