I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD