I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDOn Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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