I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD