My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDActing deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD