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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

Rodney Dangerfield

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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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