My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDMy wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD