It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDAt twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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