“I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.

Yeah, I know I’m ugly… I said to a bartender, ‘Make me a zombie.’ He said ‘God beat me to it.’

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I’m very analytical, I’m very precise. I mean, I don’t write for kids.

You can play some schlock like New Kids On the Block.

As a kid, I certainly never thought I would get to spend my life doing something fun.

So I’ve been doing everything that has to do with being next to them, close to them.

You don’t have to try to impress your kids. If they’re not getting what they need from you, they will let you know.

My own childhood showed me that when it comes to loving your kids, concepts like that don’t apply.

In my own mind, I was sort of a desperate kid.

You can leave a kid alone and it will learn to fend for itself, how to work the remote, a tin opener, and the microwave.