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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Rodney Dangerfield

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Cat Cover Kept Me Play Sandbox Up

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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
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It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
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