One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDWhen I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
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My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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Life is just a bowl of pits.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD