One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDThe way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
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We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
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I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
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What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
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I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
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I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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