My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
RODNEY DANGERFIELDI told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
More Rodney Dangerfield Quotes
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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
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On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
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I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
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Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask.
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My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.
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What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
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I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
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My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
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At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
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I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
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I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
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A girl phoned me the other day and said… ‘Come on over, there’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.
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My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
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My wife was afraid of the dark… then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.
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My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
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When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.
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If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.
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I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
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With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
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My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
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I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
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I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD