I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. RODNEY DANGERFIELD GetHonestNoPoliticianRespectRun
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together. RODNEY DANGERFIELD EverythingMarriageRoomSepaetaeSleepTogetherVacation
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me. RODNEY DANGERFIELD CheatGoodGoodnessKidLookMeWife
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t. RODNEY DANGERFIELD FightFullHopeManReformSeventyStillTwentyWant
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it. RODNEY DANGERFIELD FrinkLastMuchOliveSampleTimeToo
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend. RODNEY DANGERFIELD BreastFedFriendLikeMeMoverneverOnlySheTold
Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself. RODNEY DANGERFIELD ActActorEachExposeHimselfNideTime
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AgainBoyfriendBrokeHerMarriageTrockUpWife
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other! RODNEY DANGERFIELD Each OtherEveryGoeneverNightNothingPsychiatristRightSeenSexWife
My cousin’s gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock. RODNEY DANGERFIELD BenBigClockCountryCousinFindGay
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. RODNEY DANGERFIELD BornDoctorMotherSlapUgly
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. RODNEY DANGERFIELD FatherFingerKidnapMorePieceProofRememberSentTimeWant
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me. RODNEY DANGERFIELD BirthdayEverHadJoinRespectToastWaterWifeWomen
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AskHow BigPeoplePetStoreWork
I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AgeFoodKitchenLifeMirrorOverTabTaken
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot. RODNEY DANGERFIELD FedMeMotherShotSingSoUglyUse
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender. RODNEY DANGERFIELD BartenderPlumberPsychiatristSeeSeenToldTruthWife
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest. RODNEY DANGERFIELD HonestLuckPoliticianRunWay
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out. RODNEY DANGERFIELD BrokeGameHockeyNightOtherOutWent
My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair. RODNEY DANGERFIELD BrownSieToldUncleWearWishYellow
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too. RODNEY DANGERFIELD CrazyOpinionPsychiatristSaidSecond
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. RODNEY DANGERFIELD ActingDelDelicateMaskPutVery
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself. RODNEY DANGERFIELD AttackControlGirlLastMyselfNightSave
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her. RODNEY DANGERFIELD InterruptSpokenWifeYear
