“Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys.”

I am not a good cue card reader.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.

I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much

You don’t cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.

No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

Screw guilt — I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn’t bother me. I’m an atheist!

It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.

But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn’t imagine it.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

When you play quarterback, you have to process information quickly, get the ball out of your hand to the right guy.

If we had any nerve at all, if we had any real balls as a society, or whatever you need, whatever quality you need, real character, we would make an effort to really address the wrongs in this society, righteously.

You have the ball in your hand every time when you’re a quarterback. Whether you’re handing it off or throwing to somebody, I think that’s extremely important.

I used to think I was hitting a draw at times, and the ball was still curving to the right! I still prefer to play a little fade, but I’ve had to recalibrate my visuals.

Most ball games are lost, not won.

When a batter swings and I see his knees move, I can tell just what his weaknesses are then I just put the ball where I know he can’t hit it.

When we have the ball, the other team has to run. The most important thing is for the players to be prepared to be a little bit wild.

You gotta keep the ball off the fat part of the bat.