“Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys.”

I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor

That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?

If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

I’m a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I’m into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

I don’t burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

I don’t normally vote. I’m lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.

Then there’s the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I’d be, a sweatpants lesbian.

I get depressed at airports.

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe.