The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
ADAM CAROLLAWelfare is monetary methadone.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much.
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The shuttle is the worst $20 you’ll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been.
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I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”
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I had two thoughts about it. One was I could do that, and the next one was I’ll never get to do that.
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I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.
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The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I’m not sure why.
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If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
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I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe.
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I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
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Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can’t just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
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We’re always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
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You don’t realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It’s a card you get so you can navigate society.
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My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
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Don’t do your best, do my best.
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Then there’s the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I’d be, a sweatpants lesbian.
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I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.
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I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
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Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
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I’d be at someone’s house or be up on the roof all day and I’d get lonely – stir crazy – and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life.
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If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.
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The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.
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This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance.
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We’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
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Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they’re so suggestible.
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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
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