We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.
ADAM CAROLLAThe reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I don’t like soccer. I think it makes you soft. And by the way, you telling me it’s the biggest whatever in the World, look, they drink tea everywhere too; they’re pussies, you understand? I want some coffee.
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People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
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I’m harmless. I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you’re that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.
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When you do television, there’s more to do, and when you do new television, there’s a lot more to do, especially when you don’t have partner. I miss not having that person.
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Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.
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I don’t know anything about computers.
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I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe.
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You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
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Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can’t just throw your hands up and enjoy it.
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There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader.
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Welfare is monetary methadone.
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No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
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If in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
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If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
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My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
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I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much.
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No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
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If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
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Lets not focus on saving a nickel… lets focus on making a buck.
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I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle.
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They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.
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People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
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And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to
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There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.
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I am not a good cue card reader.
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Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
ADAM CAROLLA