“The best gift you can give yourself is some drive–that thing inside of you that gets you out the door to the gym, job interviews, and dates.”

And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to

I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor

That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?

If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.

Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.

I’m a sort of nuts-and-bolts guy. I’m into turning wrenches and swinging a hammer and wrenching on cars.

I don’t burn any calories trying to be masculine; I just happen to be from that world.

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

I don’t normally vote. I’m lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.

Then there’s the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I’d be, a sweatpants lesbian.

I get depressed at airports.

Suffering alone is the best way to destroy yourself.

The best armor against everything around you is to be well educated, to work hard, to be twice as good as if you had to be, to do languages and culture better.

The best thing a human being can do is to help another human being know more.

I liked myself best with you. I fear I dislike the rest.

You must force yourself to consider opposing arguments. Especially when they challenge your best loved ideas.

I believe in the discipline of mastering the best that other people have ever figured out. I don’t believe in just sitting down and trying to dream it all up yourself. Nobody’s that smart.

He who kneels the most, stands the best.

You saw me at my worst. Now its time you see me at my best.