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Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show

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If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’
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Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!
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Rich people don’t pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes – they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn’t pay taxes.
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I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.
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When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.
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It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
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I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.
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My motto is “more mystery, less history”.
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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor
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If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.
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You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
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I’m a comedian, not a politician.
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I get depressed at airports.
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If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
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I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
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When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
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