“I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.”

There are certain things women are better at than men.

Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.

People look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

I don’t like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

All’s the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.

If in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.

When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it’s about fudge packing and triple D’s at 13.

Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.

I think if you create something and you get an audience for it, then the monetization part is really secondary.

Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.

And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to

I’m like John Q. Public. I represent what every guy wants and needs.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor

That’s an interesting philosophical question. When your boner goes away, is that one gone… forever?

If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.