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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

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When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. .
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There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.
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We’re always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
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Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.
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Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
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People who fail, excel at avoiding opportunity.
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If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor
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In my early 20s I was so miserable doing construction, I wanted something that paid money. I liked nice stuff.
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If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’
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This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance.
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You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
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I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.
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I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.
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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
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We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball.
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