“[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.”

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you’ll have a good life.

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.

We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball.

Rich people don’t pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes – they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn’t pay taxes.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.

The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

My motto is “more mystery, less history”.

Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.

I didn’t have any success in show business until I was 30 to 31 years of age.

I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.

Mmm, tastes like hepatitis!

When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. .

I’m just gonna tell her, “Be a staff writer for a sitcom. Because they’ll have to hire you, they can’t really fire you, and you don’t have to produce that much. It’ll be awesome.”

The moon is fat and the night air is so pure it seems edible.

Reading a good book in silence is like eating chocolate for the rest of your life and never getting fat.

The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.

These are fat mummies sitting with their bags of crisps in front of the television, saying that thin models are ugly. Fashion is about dreams and illusions, and no one wants to see round women.

We’re focusing on the whole pie, not a slice. A slice is good, but it’s not good enough to get you fat. We’re trying to get fat.

I can’t wait until I get to play the fat guy in the office.

You gotta keep the ball off the fat part of the bat.

I was a fat little kid with a speech impediment. I used to get beat up, not just picked on.