“We’re focusing on the whole pie, not a slice. A slice is good, but it’s not good enough to get you fat. We’re trying to get fat.”

I should have done better, but it was just a very ugly and weird game… I knew the game was going to be an ugly game when I saw those three guys at the scorer’s table. Ugly people call ugly games.

I’m on a mission. And I know the older I get, I may lose a step or two, but it’s all up in the medulla oblongata. I’ve got a lot up there. I’ve got a lot of knowledge… in this medulla oblongata.

As a general, and as a leader of this team, whatever I’ve got to do get my guys going I’ll do it every time. If I have to be the bad guy sometime, I’ll guess I’ll take that. That’s what a leader and a general and a chief of police does.

And I want to do it the right way, like everybody else, not just a famous figurehead that gets a job because he is a famous basketball player. I want to really learn the business.

I’m pissed off. ‘Cause I knew I did something wrong. I’ll have a hell of a season if I win the championship and average 20 points a game.

I’m dominant every night. I come in every night and get beat up.

He’s the president. I’m the general. Unless I want to get impeached, I got to do what he says.

I beat a lot of teams from the line. You have to have mechanics. But see, what people don’t know about my wrists is my wrists don’t go all the way back.

(The Hack-A-Shaq is) just a way of telling me that you can’t stop me. Thank you. I appreciate it.

I don’t take anything personal. I just have a certain file in my head, so Earthlings must be careful with what they say.

I’m a cop, and cops talk. They called me the day he did it, but did you ever hear me say anything about it? I played ball, because that’s how I am. I’m true.

Y’all reporters like my quotes, don’t you. Yeah, my quotes are Shaqalicious.

When you’re righteous, you don’t have to tell people that you’re righteous.

A pinch is a pinch. If you pinch my right nipple, I’m going to say, ‘ouch.’ If I pinch your right nipple, you’re going to say ‘ouch.’ A foul is a foul and a flagrant is a flagrant.

Obviously, Sam is the type of guy that hides behind his pen and pad. I promise you he wouldn’t say that to my face in a dark alley where it’s just me and him and no witnesses.

I would like to be referred to as ‘The Big Aristotle’.

The moon is fat and the night air is so pure it seems edible.

Reading a good book in silence is like eating chocolate for the rest of your life and never getting fat.

The thing at the moment is Adele. She is a little too fat, but she has a beautiful face and a divine voice.

These are fat mummies sitting with their bags of crisps in front of the television, saying that thin models are ugly. Fashion is about dreams and illusions, and no one wants to see round women.

I can’t wait until I get to play the fat guy in the office.

You gotta keep the ball off the fat part of the bat.

I was a fat little kid with a speech impediment. I used to get beat up, not just picked on.

There were years when I was a beer and tequila guy, then I got real fat. And then I found that you could actually go on a diet and drink scotch. Then I got hooked on scotch, and if you get hooked on scotch, then everything else just tastes wrong.