“Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.”

You don’t realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It’s a card you get so you can navigate society.

They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.

I’m not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don’t even want them to laugh half the time.

I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don’t vote that way.

If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.

Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show

So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.

I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.