“. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.”

I’m not sexist, I’m just a realist.

Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.

I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.

I cook a little bit. I make a Hungarian dish called chicken paprikash that’s out of this world. I’ll give a heads-up to all of your readers that it doesn’t have to be between Thai and Mexican every night.

You don’t realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It’s a card you get so you can navigate society.

They advertise the bejeeezus out of yogurt, but I haven’t seen one pie commercial.

I’m not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don’t even want them to laugh half the time.

I’m a doofus from the Valley, a blue-collar guy.

I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.

People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.

What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.

I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don’t vote that way.

If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.

I have made an art form of the interview. The French are the best interviewers, despite their addiction to the triad, like all Cartesians.

And music the best friend of your mind.

You put all the other stuff aside and go out and do your job, and mine is to be the best I can be for my teammates.

It doesn’t matter what I think. It doesn’t matter what other people think. You have to get on the ice and participate and play and the best team wins.

To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift.

I think sometimes in life the biggest challenges end up being the best things that happen in your life.

The best way to create emotional or spiritual distance between me and another person is for them to come up to me and go, ‘yaassssss.’

My best friend had a hockey scholarship at Ohio State, so I would get a couple of pairs at the beginning of the season and send them down to him. They practised two hours a day. He’d skate in them for three weeks then ship them back.