I don’t like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.
ADAM CAROLLA. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.
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I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
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We’re always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.
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I liked cars and architecture, and things that cost money. I wanted to not swing a hammer, and make money… and not do stuff that was dirty.
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It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
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Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.
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All’s the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.
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If birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.
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You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
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I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.
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I’m harmless. I don’t have any ill will or ill thought towards anybody. When people know you’re that way, you can say stuff that the creepy guy at your office could never get away with.
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My life is about building and working and wrenching on some cars.
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I don’t normally vote. I’m lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.
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It should be like a salmon taking to open water. I’ve done so much morning radio that I won’t be overwhelmed by it, but it’s still going to be a challenge.
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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor
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My first car was a motorcycle.
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You don’t cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.
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And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to
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As I said in my last book, birds are mean. They’re the only pet that, when they escape, the owners are relieved. You can tell a species is evil by doing this simple math.
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When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
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I’m not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don’t even want them to laugh half the time.
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People have to be realistic, or the dream just drags on.
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When you’re doing a radio show, you can express yourself.
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People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.
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To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can’t you do.
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I’d be at someone’s house or be up on the roof all day and I’d get lonely – stir crazy – and talk radio became this soothing voice in my life.
ADAM CAROLLA