“I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.”

You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.

That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.

I don’t normally vote. I’m lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.

Figure out what to do, then take a nap.

Welfare is monetary methadone.

People are stupid. There’s a lot of dumb stuff that’s successful.

Then there’s the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I’d be, a sweatpants lesbian.

I get depressed at airports.

I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe.

Honestly, I’ve always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed – that kind of stuff.

To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can’t you do.

A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money.

I’ve got a great eye for color. I’m like a chick.

Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.

We’re always going to want to see LeBron and Kobe go at it.

When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!