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Honestly, I’ve always had difficulty relaxing, unwinding and going to bed – that kind of stuff.

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If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.
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I’m a comedian, not a politician.
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To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can’t you do.
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I don’t like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.
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[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.
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So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.
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I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.
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When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.
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It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
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Welfare is monetary methadone.
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All TV is, is really: ‘Don’t you want to be this, aren’t you glad you’re not that.’ There’s nothing really in the middle.
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I guess my feeling is that if you’re going to make a joke, that’s fine, but you should also sort of stand behind it, you know? A joke should be more than a joke, it should be a point that you’re trying to make.
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The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I’m not sure why.
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I’d never hurt another person.
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I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they are all different with their pluses and minuses.
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Millions of guys play millions of basketball games every day of the week at the playground or the YMCA. But LeBron James gets $20 million a year because he can jam on all of those guys.
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Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
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It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.
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Chicks love dudes who are successful who happen to have money – do you know what I mean? Chicks are attracted to dudes that are doing their own thing.
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I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.
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Whoever is for higher taxes, feel free to pay higher taxes.
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If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
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I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.
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Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.
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The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.
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I would say the podcast is my favorite because I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format.
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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor
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