“The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.”

I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much. Some people do. It takes a certain breed of cat. .

I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.

I have feelings that are to the right, and I have feelings that land on the left side of the aisle.

There is a ton of pressure and you need to read cue cards. I am not a good cue card reader.

Having sex without a condom is like riding a roller coaster with diarrhea. You can’t just throw your hands up and enjoy it.

If my blond lab Molly was the size of T-Rex, that would just mean more kibble, more work for the gardener in the backyard, and a harder time moving her to my wife’s side of the bed at night.

Telling them to stop isn’t going to help. There has to be some incentive for them to alter their behavior.

The Aston Martin is a beautiful car. It’s a work of art, I love the interior and the style of the car.

I don’t think healthcare’s a right. The only right you have is the ability to go out on an even playing field and work, and then purchase health insurance, or whatever it is.

I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.

Life is just the time between crapping yourself.

We never pick up a brush and stand in front of our own easel.

Lets not focus on saving a nickel… lets focus on making a buck.

I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.

Maybe it’s weird, but I don’t feel in any way, shape or form that I’m taking over his show.

Maybe I’m delusional but I’m usually funny. It’s not 100% but I have a pretty good batting average.