“I like my parents but they are just not good parents. They are nice enough people. I’m not interested in hurting their feelings.”

If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.

Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show

So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.

I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.

If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who’s been getting by on her looks, but now she’s 45 and falling apart.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you’ll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been.

There are certain things women are better at than men.

Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.

People look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’

I like the freedom of podcasting. With podcasting you can really mess around with the form and the format. You can do as much time as you like without having to pause for commercials.

I don’t like those men who claim that their wife is their best friend. . . . I think spouses should tolerate each other and occasionally have sex.

All’s the government should do is keep the taxes and regulations at a manageable rate, keep a decent standing army and get out of the way.