I get depressed at airports.
ADAM CAROLLAIf birds were the size of a T-Rex, the streets would be littered with human remains.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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A lot of guys and people in our society think that chicks just love dudes with money.
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My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
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It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
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You don’t realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It’s a card you get so you can navigate society.
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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks. If my daughter has a mediocre sense of humor
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You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
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I know everything because I know nothing.
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I like radio and live performing stuff. I don’t like the television stuff as much. Some people do. It takes a certain breed of cat. .
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I don’t have anything against my mom, but my family has no emotional connection to each other.
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Should women be on any pills besides birth control? We should just give them all sugar pills for everything, they’re so suggestible.
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I don’t normally vote. I’m lazy and I never bought into the every vote counts.
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Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don’t vote that way.
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Screw guilt — I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn’t bother me. I’m an atheist!
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No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
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I have no connection with Hollywood. I’m not interested. I don’t care.
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I feel like I’m a time traveler from the future who has been sent back to be annoyed.
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When Asian people grow up fast they go to college at 13. White people grow up fast it’s about fudge packing and triple D’s at 13.
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When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.
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We’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
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If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
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The reason I hate publicists is because I think if we got rid of them everything would be on equal footing.
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Maybe it’s weird, but I don’t feel in any way, shape or form that I’m taking over his show.
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If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
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If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
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When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.
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I’d never hurt another person.
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