You should feel good about yourself because of your accomplishments. Not because somebody yelled at you to feel good about yourself.
ADAM CAROLLAI know everything because I know nothing.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.
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So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.
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I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.
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People look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’
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I’d never hurt another person.
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I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.
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The thing is if you have 10 views that land you on the left side of the aisle and two views that land you on the right side of the aisle, then people just put you on the right side of the aisle. I’m not sure why.
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You’re 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don’t have to kill yourself, you’re just waiting.
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Toss some Hungarian in every once in a while. You will not be sorry. Good, solid peasant food.
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When I am king, I will revise the sexual bases system so that getting to first base will include oral sex and sodomy!
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I’ve got a great eye for color. I’m like a chick.
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I’m not comically oriented. I get angry and I start complaining and then people start laughing. I don’t even want them to laugh half the time.
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I am not agnostic. I am atheist. I don’t think there is no God; I know there’s no God. I know there’s no God the same way I know many other laws in our universe.
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I don’t know anything about computers.
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My first car was a motorcycle.
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No, I had not read any other comedian’s book. Not that I don’t enjoy other comedians; I’m just not a reader.
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The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.
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We’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
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If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.
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The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.
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If in 1989 I said, ‘I have an idea: Bottle water and sell it. And charge more than a beer,’ they would have chased me around with a giant butterfly net. The same with paying to watch a television station.
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A lot of people would say, to be truthful is to tell all, every dalliance, every crisis. They might be right on paper, but in practice, it’s not a great way to go.
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It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
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I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.
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Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
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Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.
ADAM CAROLLA