“Well, the post office is probably not the place you want to go if you want to be infused with patriotism and a renewed sense of vigor.”

I want to work for myself, and I do work for myself. I make plenty of money working for myself.

I spoke to my dad, and he said it took close to 90 dollars to raise me. But that was me and my sister, and my sister moved out when she was 16, so sometimes it can knock you up to triple digits to raise a kid.

I have a daughter who I love very much, I hire women, I’ve worked with women, I’ve never had an issue with women.

I am not a good cue card reader.

Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.

I’ve never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I’ve never left behind.

When I say things that sound insane, like only the smartest million people should have the right to vote, well, I mean that.

Those dads that go off to Florida and start a new life, I couldn’t imagine that: seeing my kid once every Christmas, every three years. If I’m gone for six days it feels like too much

You don’t cruise the Internet looking for your name and walk away with a good feeling. So, I never do it.

I used to be a Democrat, now I’m basically a Republican.

No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.

Speaking of sleeping bags, has anything ever had a less creative name?

Screw guilt — I could have sex with 10 men and it wouldn’t bother me. I’m an atheist!

It’s something I’ve always kicked around, not doing the eBook but the Rich Man, Poor Man thing.

I got drunk in Canada. I was there for 2 days but I was drunk there for 4 days. I don’t know how it worked. I guess it was with the time difference or something.

I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.