When you have kids, you instantly feel that you do not want to do them wrong. .
ADAM CAROLLAYou have the unenviable choice between being dropped off last or being dropped off first and having a bunch of losers who can’t afford cab fare and have no friends or loved ones with cars knowing exactly where you live.
More Adam Carolla Quotes
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Don’t do your best, do my best.
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You don’t realize how much you use your credit card not even to buy things. It’s a card you get so you can navigate society.
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Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.
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Oprah tells women what to read, what to eat, what to think, what to do.
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No one is depressed when they’re being chased by a bear.
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To make something, you have to work within your abilities. Honestly assess what you can do and even more important, what can’t you do.
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Then there’s the in-between, not a lipstick lesbian, not a butch dyke. I think that is what I’d be, a sweatpants lesbian.
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Junior colleges are high schools with ashtrays.
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I think people have a strong desire to push me and others into some sort of political box that they can wrap their minds around.
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Asking someone in advance not judge you, is like asking someone in advance not to smell you.
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What we used to settle with common sense or a fist, we settle with hand sanitizer and lawyers.
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I liked radio, or podcasting. I like talking minus the camera and the script part. All those mediums are different, and they are all different with their pluses and minuses.
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If the media isnt slanted toward the Left, why is everyone so worried about my affiliation with Glenn Beck but not with Alec Baldwin?
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Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.
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People look at me, and they go, ‘You’re white, you’re smart, you must have went to college. You must have grown up with money.’
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If you’re conservative in Hollywood, you’re on a list of people who need to be put in their place.
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Well, guys are better at mechanical stuff and women are better at emotional stuff.
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We’re all animals, that we all respond to the same stimuli. If you want to motivate somebody not to have premarital sex, or motivate black bears not to go diving into dumpsters, first you have to think about why they do it.
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My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.
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If women built the bridges or were meant to build the bridges, then they would have done it.
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I’m really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it’s a million miles down the road.
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It’s like the Fouth of July in my underpants.
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I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.
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I don’t think I’ve ever seen pie advertised. That’s how you know it’s good. They advertise ice cream and other desserts.
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That’s the thing I love about sports: sports force you to quit. You can’t pursue your dream till you’re 46. When it comes to acting, writing, comedy, nobody ever stops you.
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Chicks named Tammy have a greater chance of actually driving a Mercedes than a chick named Mercedes.
ADAM CAROLLA