“My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.”

I know there’s no God and I know most of the world knows that as well. They just won’t admit it because there’s another thing they know. They know they’re going to die and it freaks them out.

I think comedy has evolved like every art form, and people probably do less standing around and telling jokes, and more things that have to do with reality.

There’s no bigger atheist than me. Well, I take that back. I’m a cancer screening away from going agnostic and a biopsy away from full-fledged Christian.

Everyone in Hollywood thinks like a Republican fiscally by leaving town to shoot everything; they just don’t vote that way.

If you’re a guy, you have absolutely no idea what’s going on at any time in the relationship, ever.

Being a poor reader was enough to make me not want to do that type of formatted show

So most people don’t have the courage to admit there’s no God and they know it. They feel it. They try to suppress it. And if you bring it up they get angry because it freaks them out.

When you’re picking a basketball team, you’ll take the brother over the guy with the yarmulke. Why? Because you’re playing the odds.

I attempted to get into comedy. I started to do stand-up, but I wasn’t very good at it.

If you’ve driven over to the gay section of Los Angeles, it’s like a golf course… Real estate values go ‘boom!’

I saw a commercial for the maxi pads for the bigger gals they’re making now. That was a nice visual while I was eating.

California is like the hot blond high school chick who’s been getting by on her looks, but now she’s 45 and falling apart.

I give women two types of orgasms. Fake and none.

The shuttle is the worst $20 you’ll ever save. It adds 90 minutes to whatever a Town Car or cab would have been.

There are certain things women are better at than men.

Here’s what you know: you know when you’re getting laid, and you know when it’s all over. Those are the only two things you’re aware of.

How would I know if he’s going to be a good husband or not? Watch closely how he treats his mother.

My mom’s a psychologist, and I think that has influenced me on a personal level. Plus, I’m just generally interested in visualization and humanity, social activity and technology, and what happens in aggregate.

Mothers are inscrutable beings to their sons, always.

My dad is a chemical engineer, and my mom was a teacher. They were pretty serious about education, but I always thought about things a little bit differently.

I would forgive my mom, but she’s going to have to admit she did some things that were wrong.

All mothers are mothers of great people, and it is not their fault that life later disappoints them.

Only mothers can think of the future – because they give birth to it in their children.

Very few people who met my adoptive mother in the last 20 years of her life could abide her, while many people who have seen my play find her fascinating. Heavens, what have I done?!