“Don’t do your best, do my best.”

I swear my car won’t run unless I’m picking my nose: At least, I’m that superstitious about it, so I don’t want to take any chances.

But the idea that I was making $10 an hour and stacking drywall while these guys were making a few hundred thousand, and they were having a party, and there were Playmates and there were good times, I just couldn’t imagine it.

The main thing that I learned from my horrible job experiences was how horrible they were.

If you are tuning in just for the show, you’re going to be sorely disappointed.

The reason why you know more funny dudes than funny chicks is that dudes are funnier than chicks.

I’ve always boxed, I always taught boxing.

If you want to have a good life, you should focus on your family, on your business, on your dog, on your fun, and you’ll have a good life.

My mom was on welfare and the occasional food stamp, but I have never participated in any of those governmental programs, even the ones that kind of work like education, scholarships and whatever, and I managed to do just fine.

If you spend your life walking through somebody else’s museum, you never find out whether you’re Rembrandt or not.

We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball.

Rich people don’t pay taxes? Of course they pay taxes – they pay tons in taxes. They pay for everyone else who doesn’t pay taxes.

Wearing Crocs is like getting blown by a dude. It feels great until you look down and realize you’re gay.

[Giving welfare to poor people] is the equivalent of the government sending [fat people] a jumbo bag of Bugles in the mail twice a month.

The believe-in-yourself adage is grossly overrated.

My motto is “more mystery, less history”.

Everyone keeps saying, “Oh my God, oh my God, how intimidating.” It’s like saying, “How could you date Jennifer Aniston after she’s been with Brad Pitt?” I don’t care.

Invest in basic research and recruit the best minds.

When they called me with the Nobel call from Secretary General of the Swedish Academy it was twenty minutes to six and he said well that was well hope I’m not disturbing you but I am the Secretary General of the Swedish Academy.

The best thing about Berlin was that I got to be surrounded by people who pursue their ideas for themselves.

The worst in life, we are told, is compatible with the best in art. So too the worst in life is compatible with the best in humour.

Where the sky begins, the horizon ends, despite the best intentions.

Don’t do your best, do whatever it takes.

Negotiating means getting the best of your opponent.

Life is a great and noble calling, not a mean and grovelling thing to be shuffled through as best as we can but a lofty and exalted destiny.